Memo from a wannabe messiah

To: Dick, Don and Paul

From: W.

Re: Ruling the world

I am very confused. I am also very angry. You promised me that I would get to rule the world. That I am good and those who aren’t with me are evil. You said we were on a mission to spread my good and I could be the new messiah. But things aren’t going that way.

First that German guy gets elected by saying he isn’t with me, and calls me Hitler-like. So then you tell me to ignore him – we would get him back later. Then that snotty French guy says our plans are not good, but evil. You told me we would stop buying French wine and that would get them.

Now these Turks say we can’t put our soldiers over there. What are we supposed to do now? Stop eating turkey?

I don’t understand – it was all supposed to go like the song: Onward Christian soldiers, marching off to war, with the cross of Jesus … that’s how it’s supposed to work. That’s what you told me. And I get to lead it all, because I’m the chosen son. But I think dad likes Jeb better right now.

And how about that terrorist and evil-lover Dan Rather? I can’t believe he’s from Texas. What does he think he’s doing interviewing evil Saddam. That man tried to kill my daddy. I am so angry I could bomb something. Don – can you get on that? What kind of bombs can I use on CBS headquarters? After all I am the messiah-in-chief.

This is the best job I have ever had. All these people around me bringing me things, telling me things I never knew – like Brazil having Black people. That was a new one to me. I love that airplane I get to fly around in. I love going around and making speeches about good versus evil and having people clap for me. I don’t like it when people don’t do what we tell them to do. I get so angry.

Don’t people know that I just want to bring the good news of how my faith changed my heart? I can’t stand this idea that government shouldn’t promote my faith. Whoever thought up separating the two?

I also don’t like people making fun of how stupid I am. Can we get John on that? I think anyone who makes fun of the President should go before those cool military tribunals that we talked about. Jokes about me just aid the terrorists. Whoever thought up the joke about me and my library only having two books, one of them I wasn’t done coloring, should be shot. That is giving terrorists too much information.

Some people say I have never worked a day in my life, and that I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Don’t they know that I work hard at the ranch? Posing for those photos is hard work.

And even all those areas that voted for me – those big red spots on that map – are complaining about what I’m doing. I’m going to ignore those special interest groups that demonstrate – what are they called again? Oh yeah, the American people, I’m just going to ignore them. But calling me, Dick and Don the axis of evil really makes me mad. I’m getting Karl on that right away.

I’ll keep listening to you guys because you have a lot of smarts and know important people who help us out. All those CEOs, and those folks from the Christian Coalition – they seem really nice and good. But can you do something about all these people who aren’t going along with us? All these churches? I may have to stop going to that Methodist church. Don’t they understand I am good and those who don’t agree are evil and with the terrorists?

I also want the FBI to watch the prayers at the Cabinet meeting. I want to know who doesn’t have their head down low enough or isn’t praying hard enough. I think I saw Colin look up once.

Terrie Albano is the associate editor of the PWW/Mundo and wants to learn how to write comedy. She can be reached at talbano@pww.org