Cheney seeks sixth deferment

Veep hopes to secure place in history.

Vice President Dick Cheney announced plans today to seek an historic sixth draft deferment, realizing a longstanding personal dream of his.

Clutching his deferment application in his hand as he addressed reporters at the White House, a beaming Cheney said, “I am so close to getting this sixth deferment I can taste it.”

Washington insiders were surprised that the vice president chose this moment to seek a sixth deferment, with the debate over the war in Iraq at full throttle and Cheney’s lack of military service increasingly a target of his critics.

Furthermore, even without a deferment, Cheney would be unlikely to pass the routine physical necessary to serve in the military, since simple tasks like stepping out of a limousine or shaking hands with dignitaries leave him easily winded.

But according to vice presidential scholar Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota, the vice president may be trying to secure his place in history by obtaining his latest deferment.

“FDR will go down in history as the only president elected to four terms,” Mr. Logsdon said. “Dick Cheney wants to be known as the only vice president with six deferments.”

At his White House press conference, the vice president snapped at a reporter who questioned why he was seeking a draft deferment at all when there was no draft at the present time.

“Better safe than sorry,” the vice president said.

Elsewhere, in order to keep details of her wedding from leaking to the press, pop star Christina Aguilera made all of her guests sign a confidentiality agreement and disinvited Lewis “Scooter” Libby.